The Uneatable Sandwich

It was Dad’s mistake when I was young, mischievous, and just dangerous enough to be able to make a sandwich, to ask me to make us lunch. I made myself a delightful Wheat Germ and Jam. And then after concluding that wheat germ and jam wasn’t adult enough for Dad, I contemplated the contents of the fridge and Inspiration struck! The product was the Uneatable Sandwich, which Dad defied probability and ate! I have helpfully created a guide below so that you, too, can enjoy watching someone, who hopefully will still love you afterwards, eat it. But the basic principle is to layer anything and everything in your fridge that is spreadable and/or spoonable onto the bread. Your finishing touches should be lots of mustard & ketchup and a heaping tablespoon of horseradish.

See how I started with a base layer of mayo on the left and butter on the right. Then I added some tamari on top of the mayo and apricot jam over the butter. As is, this would probably make a pretty good sandwich. But why settle for merely good when you can have better?

The next 2 layers on the left are peanut butter and honey - a natural combination. On the right you can barely tell that I added mango chutney - and you can barely taste the difference, so for better results go for a chunky tomato chutney.

Other fine ingredients which I didn’t have at the time of this sandwich are pesto, marinara sauce, pickle relish, salsa, guacamole, spinach dip, any salad dressing, fish sauce, hoisin sauce, sriracha, Cheez Whiz... The possibilities are endless!!!

Now on the left there is some Worcestershire sauce. The penultimate step is what you can see on the right: a healthy glop of horseradish. The best part of this sandwich is the element of surprise and that is why you should strategically place the horseradish in the center. This ensures maximum shock & awe. (I hate to make this admonition lest you go to the opposite extreme, but your blob of horseradish should be smaller than what is pictured here because you don’t want it to get squished out too far when you close the sandwich, ruining the surprise).

Finally, you finish with 5 splurts of ketchup and 5 blats of mustard. I made these larger than my bread could hold, so modify yours accordingly. Then slap the sandwich together and present this fine work of art!

Remember to take a picture of yours and share it: #uneatablesandwich (also tag me: @spicklefrew on instagram)